If You're Not First You're Last

I’m not a failure. I’m not a quitter. Those two words have never really been in my vocabulary. Lately, basically this whole semester, I have been in a rut. I’m perfectly content just being lazy and staying home. I don’t really care to go and meet people; I don’t really get anything out of church meetings. And this is all totally my fault. I’ve finally discovered why. It’s because I’m exhausted. I’m tired of trying 100% for nothing. But that’s no way to live. I finished my 4^th horribly hard semester so now I’m here in my apartment all by my lonesome. I’ve been feeling fat and lazy so I went for a run. I ran to the temple. While running one of my favorite songs came on. It’s by the Format, On Your Porch. There is a line that stood out to me….“What’s left to lose? I’ve done enough. But if I fail well then I fall at least I gave it a shot. These last 3 years, yah they’ve been hard. But it’s time to get out of the desert and into the dark.” I’ve been so overwhelmed and stressed about doing badly in school, not doing the work right and then failing. So I would do all the work and studying for nothing. So when the work gets too hard and I know I won’t do well, I’ll want to stop and just say ‘I changed my mind’ when really I just don’t want to fail. I know for a fact I’m supposed to go into the medical profession. But I try to talk myself out of it because I’m afraid I won’t be good at it. I want to stop before I even start so I don’t fail, but then that would make me a quitter. I finally am recognizing now that ‘if I fail well then I fail at least I gave it a shot.’ So I am going into this summer with an attitude of all or nothing.  I’m going to study for my EMT basic written test and I’m going to pass it. I’m going to have the time of my life living in Rexburg for my first summer. I’m going to get into the paramedic program here and I’m going to rock it. All I need is determination and a little faith in myself. Really, that’s what anyone needs to succeed. If you know you won’t fail and you have all the faith in the world for yourself, you will be unstoppable. That’s all it takes which seems so simple. In reality, it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ll have to do. I like reassurance and to know where I comfortably sit. I don’t like the unknown. There is always a time for change and to better yourself. Even if my plans don’t work out and I don’t pass a test, or I don’t get into the program, that’s just telling me it’s not meant to be. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to fail. To fail means that you actually TRIED. If you try and give it your all, what more could anyone ask of you?